Relationships
(9 minute read; 1683 words)
There is only one rule for relationships and it’s golden…
“So then, in everything treat others the same way you want them to treat you, for this is [the essence of] the Law and the [writings of the Prophets].” Matthew 7:12 (AMP); known as The Golden Rule.
Do for others what you would want them to do for you.
There have been so many different ways to say this through the centuries. Some call it the Ethic of Reciprocity, with reciprocity meaning “to respond in kind; to respond in like manner.” Be nice to others and they will be nice to you (well most of them). That’s good reciprocity. But it works the other way, too. Be disrespectful to others and expect them to be disrespectful to you. That’s bad reciprocity, but reciprocity none-the-less.
Confuscius, the Chinese teacher and philosopher (551-479 BC; Before Christ) had his own spin on it. “Do not do to others what you do not want others to do to you.”
So it’s really simple: “Treat others the way you want to be treated and don’t treat others in ways you wouldn’t want for yourself.”
But here’s another and perhaps even more effective way to say it and I’ll explain why:
“Treat yourself as you would have others treat you and treat all others the same.”
Simply put: Always be nice, friendly, kind, polite, respectful and fair to everyone, including yourself; and do it unconditionally.
Here’s the key: The way you treat others is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. When you value who you are, you naturally value the people around you. Respect flows outward from inward security. People who have a healthy sense of self-worth don’t need to diminish, belittle, or mistreat others—they lift others up because they live from a place of strength, confidence, and stability.
Respect for others mirrors your own self-respect—and the reverse is also true. If you speak with kindness, patience, and honesty, it reveals an inner world shaped by dignity and self-control. If you consistently act with disrespect, harshness, or disregard, it often signals unresolved conflict within yourself. The way you show up in relationships is simply an external expression of your internal attitudes, beliefs, and identity. “Respect for others not only indicates self-respect, but it breeds and enhances self-respect—and self-respect breeds respect for others.” Mistreatment reveals weaknesses and insecurities. Actions and reactions. Reciprocity. Our respect and worth doesn’t come from self. Not who, but whose. It doesn’t matter what other people think or say. It matters what you think and say. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Self respect reciprocates. “You can only give what you’ve got. Respect, kindness, patience, and integrity must exist within you before they can flow out of you toward others.” You cannot give what what you do not have. You can only give what you’ve got. You can only give it if you’ve got it. You usually get what you give. And you usually give what you’ve got. But you can only give what you’ve got. It is something disrespectful coming from within. Somethings mean, rude, angry…
Respect for others reflects the level of respect you hold for yourself—and the reverse is also true.
How you speak and act toward others reveals what’s happening inside you. When you lead with kindness, patience, honesty, and self-control, it points to an inner life grounded in dignity and stability. When someone consistently speaks with harshness, disrespect, or contempt, it often exposes unresolved conflict, insecurity, or brokenness within.
The way we show up in relationships is simply the outward expression of our inward attitudes, beliefs, and identity.
Respect works both ways. Respect for others not only indicates self-respect—it strengthens it. And self-respect, in turn, produces respect for others. Mistreatment doesn’t demonstrate strength; it reveals weakness. Our actions and reactions tell the real story.
Still, our worth and identity do not come from ourselves or from the opinions of others. Not who we are, but whose we are. What others think or say about us does not define us—what matters is how we think, speak, and respond. Two wrongs never make a right.
Here’s the principle: you can only give what you already have.
Respect, kindness, patience, and integrity must exist within you before they can consistently flow outward to others. You cannot give what you do not have. And most often, you will receive exactly what you give.
When words come out mean, rude, angry, or dismissive, it’s not just a momentary slip—it’s usually something deeper coming from within.
Some people just do not treat themselves very well, for whatever reasons, and that is exactly how they end up treating others… just like they “do unto” themselves; they really are, in fact, “loving” their neighbor as they “love” themself. That makes sense, doesn’t it?
How should you treat others? How can you make your relationships work? The answer? Your relationship with others begins with and reciprocates your relationship with Christ.
It’s virtually impossible to consistently treat others in a manner in which you don’t even treat yourself. And that’s not talking about being self-centered or self-love in that sense.
Are you nice to yourself? Be nice to others. Are you friendly to yourself? Be friendly to others. Are you kind to yourself? Be kind to others. Are you polite to yourself? Be polite to others. Are you respectful to yourself? Be respectful to others. Are you fair to yourself? Be fair to others. If you are not, the others don’t have a chance. How can you give unto others what you don’t even give unto yourself? If you’ve got it, then you can give it. Whatever you have reciprocates to others. The standard for all behavior should be Christlike, pleasing to God and bringing Him glory.
It’s a simple formula. “You give what you have and you get what you give.” But you have to have it before you can give it. Reciprocity. You can only give those attitudes which shape and define the “content” of your own character.
If you give “good,” you get good. If you give “bad,” you get bad. In both cases you don’t always get reciprocity, but almost always. So, expect it.
Flawed human beings are wired to reciprocate the actions of others. Good for good and bad for bad. Responding to the good stuff is easy, but you have to pause before choosing your response to the bad stuff that is thrown your way, whatever that “bad stuff” might be. You have to intentionally decide to respond to bad “with good,” or perhaps, don’t even respond at all. Both will work quite well.
But here’s the problem. What happens when someone, friend or foe, gives you “bad,” (treats you bad), either by saying something bad to you or doing something bad to you? How should you respond, remembering that you are supposed to always treat others as you would have them treat you? Should you give them “bad” back? And if you “give” them bad back, because that’s what they gave you, aren’t you now giving bad back to them knowing you will probably getting more of what you gave in return? You are going out-of-character to do so. Do you see contradiction? So, how can you diffuse the situation? How should you respond to mistreatment?
Here’s the solution, just to make life simple: If someone else is doing the giving and they’re not giving good, you must decide not to give “it” back to them, because that’s what Christlike character dictates. And if it’s you giving the “bad” to others, then you must expect the same behavior in return.
Design your character, your default factory setting, to always respond to both “good and bad with good.” When someone gives you a negative, give them back a positive. It will baffle them because that’s not what they were expecting and in some cases, they are just looking for a confrontation. On in math can you multiply negatives and get a positive. It doesn’t work that way in real life. The Bible tells us that “A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 ESV). This verse has literally saved my life many times. Try the soft answer.
If they are being unkind, “kill ’em with kindness.” It’s like heaping burning coals over their head. That’s fun and Biblical! (Proverbs 25:22) Just for clarification, do not “literally” kill anyone and/or heap burning coals over anybody’s head… just figuratively, as much as you would like to do it and as much as they might deserve it. 🙂
“Never over-react to anything unless it’s a dangerous or life-threatening situation.” Most situations are not. Think about the last time you had a dangerous or life-threatening situation. If you have dangerous and life-threatening situations very often, you are either in the wrong profession, a bad marriage or just having a very tough day. 🙂
Do this: You can set the tone for a personal encounter and possibly avoid a potential confrontation by beating the other person to the punch (again figuratively, not literally) and “give it” first; be proactive so you won’t have to be reactive. Smile first, speak first, extend your hand first, greet them first, say something nice first, be friendly first, show a little kindness first, be polite first and well mannered first, give them some respect first, treat them fairly first and maybe even encourage them first, before the other person can set a very different tone. Tell them “I hope you have a great day.” You will be stunned with the reciprocal results! “Good reciprocity is the key to every relationship.”
Give it your best shot to make it work and always stay within your character. Choose your actions and responses (reactions) wisely. You can always as the Bible says,“turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39). But if you need to and if that “turn the other cheek thing” doesn’t work out too well, just turn the other two cheeks and walk (or run) away.
Life is short and the only way you can live it as God intended it to be lived is to actually live it like God intended you to live it— His Grace, your faith; His promises, your obedience; His love for you, your love for Him, your love for yourself through Him, and your love for others, because He first loved us all. You can give others the grace they need instead of giving them what they deserve— just like God did for you. Remember, you are saved only by Gods’ grace through both genuine repentance and saving faith in Jesus Christ because of who He is and what He has done for you. Confess and believe in your heart Jesus as Lord, the one true, sovereign God, with all authority in heaven and on the earth, who lived a perfect, sinless life and willfully died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins and then was raised in a victory over sin, death, hell, Satan and all the powers of darkness to grant eternal life to all who repent and put their faith and trust in Him. Let the standard of your thoughts, attitudes and actions— everything you think, say and do — be evaluated only as “Is it Christ-like and does it please God and bring Him glory?” If if isn’t or if it doesn’t, and you say it and do it anyway— then you must understand God’s wrath.
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